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| | | My Education In Bitch Smacking
The only thing I took out of public school turned out to be the art of bitch smacking. I was a senior in high school when Coach Miller separated our weight lifting class one morning from the girls to the boys. He told the girls to play in the gym but the boys had to come with him to the Carlton room. Coach Miller then said, "Men 50 of you are going on a mission, 25 of you ain't coming back." I guess that was his way of saying life is tough and some of you aren’t going to make it. Coach Miller then said, "In life you will have to deal with certain situations that you just can't control and that most of these situations are caused by Women". Women need a heavy hand and when they become unstable, belligerent or argumentative you must put them back in line, hence the bitch smack. Not only did I learn this rite of passage but I wrote a research paper on it in college having to do with different schools gym coaches teaching similar techniques to the male students which I will go over as follows.
At the time I really didn't think much of Coach Miller’s message but I proceeded to adhere to his instructions of the classic bitch smack. I thought it was more or a less a joke at the time and it seemed quite comical. Some of the other guys in the group who were athletes were already taught how to smack a bitch by their coaches and they too were helping show this technique. The idea was that athletes would need to know how to fend off bitches that were sweating their nuts and popularity so they were shown much sooner than us graduating seniors. Coach Miller then told us to keep it to ourselves and that we would know when we needed to use it.
When I got to college I discovered an entire new world and was glad to have had my lesson from coach Miller. My first college girlfriend was a complete spaz about her grades. She would flip out all the time and I was being pushed over the edge by it. One night she threw my TI-83 calculator at the wall when she found out she got a C on her Chemistry test. I without thinking reared my hand back and delivered un to her the second shot heard around the world across her face. She collapsed on the floor and just laid there. I then stepped over her and pulled her toward me and said, “Calm the fuck down and relax!” She got up and sat on the couch and said nothing for an hour. I realized that Coach Miller was a genius as those men before him who instructed the same lesson.
I majored in sociology and after my first bitch smack incident I began to research this rite of passage. I was preparing a research paper on male rituals and the bitch smack was all to be pondered over. I decided to write my paper on the collected techniques of the bitch smack. I went to five surrounding school districts and met with coaches from all demographic areas. Schools located in rural areas, suburban and inner city locations. I was shocked to find that of the 32 schools I investigated 23 taught this rite of passage to its male students. I found a total of 10 different types of bitch smacking that could be identified as different techniques from the collected geographic areas of these schools.
The consistent similarity I discovered was how the rural schools were more explicit in how they taught the bitch smacking technique. The more rural the school the more violent the bitch smack was. Rural schools seemed to have a greater need for this measure because they still represented what America used to be like which is a tougher red blooded tradition of sweated masculinity. Suburban schools had a range of moderate techniques of bitch smacking which I fell into this category. They were more contemporized and almost white collar like. The inner city schools were less frequently taught this skill but they too had certain methods that stuck out over the other school areas. The inner city technique was way more forceful and direct. I found it humorous that the movie “Pretty Woman” referenced guys being pulled aside in highs cool and shown how to hit a woman by Julia Roberts character (the prostitute). I think that was specifically put in the movie to reveal this fact as a warning.
| | | | | | The Classic Bitch SmackThe classic bitch smack is not even a slap. It is literally a smack across the face that usual coincides over the eye on the left or right cheek. Depending if you are right or left handing that would be the side of the face you would naturally smack a woman in when using the classic bitch smack. This is actually the technique coach Miller taught us in high school. He said that if done correctly you can not only vent your frustration at the things life throws at you but also focus your frustration on another human being who is also causing the distress. Coach Miller of course was referring to a woman. | | | | | | The Pimp SlapThe pimp smack is a very unique way to enforce not only domestic authority but also street authority. This was an inner city technique I stumbled upon. If your woman was working and needed to be some what presentable the pimp smack takes place on the left or right side of the face without causing ocular damage. You can use the back side of your hand coming down from at least a 90 degree angle and striking the side of the cheek. Most of the time people look straight at you when speaking and you can not see the other side of their face. The pimp smack conceals the bruise to the left or right side of the face not to reveal a domestic dispute. You get your point across and no one even notices it. | | | | | | The Johnny Wad SlapThe Johnny Wad slap is for those guys who are not pleased sexually in bed. This technique was more of a suburban origin. For this technique you must strike a woman bottom half of her nose with the top three fingers starting from above your first knuckle. You must come at a downward angle perpendicular to her nose for the achieved affect. This causes the woman to see her blood first hand without bruising for others to see. After she is hit you must instruct her to go to the bathroom and clean herself off. This technique was first used in the early 1970's with female porn stars who were not giving their best performance. | | | | | | The Where's My Dinner Bitch SlapThe where's my dinner bitch slap is actually the most common form of physical discipline that is used against women. This too is another suburban origin of bitch smacking. In order to achieve this technique correctly you must strike the female where the knuckles meet the hand coming from a lateral angle. You do not have to use much force with this technique as the psychological effect is quite devastating. The trend for this technique started in the early 1900's where men were actually leaving home to go to work and returning to the house. When the 9 to 5 jobs took hold women had only one job to do which was to take care of dinner for the man who is providing for her. Upon being hit the woman would typically finish dinner and lay down in the shower until her husband demanded her to do the dishes. | | | | The Dun Told Her Twice SlapThe dun told her twice technique is for the most stubborn or strong willed women out there. This method is of a rural origin but can also be used in an urban setting. In order to successfully pull of this technique the first time you use it must be done with great strength. You must grab the female's upper arm so she can not get away and the use you free hand to give her repeated strikes to the left and right of her face. There is an optional open hand and back hand when striking the left and right side of her face. It is crucial to hold on to the females arm because if you are having to use this technique she is of the fighting type. However, once she is beaten and sees herself in the mirror you will seldom have to use this technique again. It's that effective. | | | | | | The Open Hand SlapThe open hand slap technique is used for women who forget the first time they were disobedient to their man. All three demographic locations have this method. This style of bitch slapping requires a little more Elbow grease coming from a downward slanted angle to get a full range of head buckling resistance. You want to tag the upper portion of the females face depending on the left or right side depending what is more comfortable to you. This technique was made famous by former professional wrestler David Shultz (Click to see example) | | | | | | The Forearm Ticonderoga SlapIf you live out in a rural area then this technique is for you. You literally use your entire forearm against the offending females face. You want to position your oncoming forearm to strike at an angle on the left or right nostril. You do not want to strike directly on the females nose because of the amount of blood that will result if the technique is done wrong. Take notice of the image above and see the strike zone on the right nostril at an angle. This technique is no different than breaking a wild mustang. I stumbled across this technique in Yancyville North Carolina when I was at a rest area taking a pee pee. | | | | | | The Scientology SlapThe Scientology slap is fairly new but a concept shared to me by my friend who is a scientologist. This is a big time white collar technique that weird practitioners of religion use. He told me that Tom Cruise himself instructed hm how to discipline a female. If you noticed years ago when Katie Holmes had those weird bruises on her face that everyone thought was herpes it was in fact the bruises from a Tom Cruise Scientology Bitch slap. The technique involve using a Scientology crucifix and striking the female directly on the left or right side of the face with the top of the crucifix hitting 4 inches above the eye brow. This method according to Tom Cruise exercises the demon spirits of all those space aliens that were dropped into a volcano by some mother ship or something. At any rate, if you are thinking about being a scientologist you will be instructed in how to use this technique. | | | | | | The Red Eye Gravy Slap The red eye gravy slap is perhaps the most difficult technique to use. The misconception is that there is no slap involved but rather a closed fist that is nothing more than a direct jab into one of the eyes of the females. The technique if done correctly will cause the white in the females eyes to turn blood red from the trapped blood vessels. Everywhere she goes she will be reminded of her insolence. There is also little bruising around the eye which causes the people around hr to be unassuming of a domestic violence situation. A lot of Hollywood actors prefer this method for mesons I have yet to discover. Bill O'Rielly is a big believer in this technique and did not get to use it against the women who sued him for sexual harassment some years ago. | | | | |
| The Bitch You Gave Me Herpes Slap
The bitch you gave me herpes slap is a technique that involves little skill or practice. This method can also be found in all demographic locations. You basically beat the tar snot out of the female with either hand simultaneously with the intent of turning her face into pulp. There is no reason to have to hide your intent because this technique usually results if a girl gave you an STD and your rage took over. Typically the female STD assailants don't even call the police after receiving one of these well deserved beatings. They do not wish to discuss their medical history and diseases to police so its almost like a free pass. This technique was actually male instinct and was around since the beginning of time but recently was given this name to finally classify domestic justice. | | |
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