Jack Bauer represents the essence of manliness and what America use to stand for. Is it any wonder that the show 24 was one of the high rated series on network television? What did Jack Bauer do? When he wasn't chewing bubble gum he was hooking up a guys testicles with electricity from a severed cable outlet and asking questions. Why was he doing it? Because he was saving America, that's why. Seriously, who gives a shit when the righteous beat the shit out of the evil? I mean seriously, do you think the majority of Americans are against this kind of behavior when it comes to their own personal safety? Hell no, Americans are self centered as hell and only care about themselves so they fittingly would approve of Jack Bauer's methods to keep them safe.
John Kerry Talking About Jack Bauer's Methods
No One Is Safe
Jason Bourne is a great flick but he has nothing on Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer has lost more in his television run than just Bournes memory. Jack has lost his wife, girlfriend, daughter, friends and his bulldog Pudums. What the hell does Bourne know about real loss? Hell, Jack was even sold out by his own government and still tortured terrorist to save the same country who would have him killed. Bourne was sold out and went after the Government. Well, I can't blame him for that but Jack is all about loyalty. My point is, Jack finishes the mission and then goes after the candy asses in government who would pass a ridiculous stimulus package.
Both Houses of Congress Are Next
After Jack saved the London Bridge from falling down he went back to America to deal with both houses of Congress. Let's just say Bauer is going to do a little internal cleaning and he won't be tickling them with a feather duster. Seriously, Congress has a lower approval rating the George W. Bush, I think Jack Bauer needs to pay them all a visit from Americans who reluctantly pay their taxes to fix the mistakes of career politicians whose parents paid their way through life at the expense of our life, liberty and pursuit of happiness. Jack, I think its time you found out how many ways you can make a carrot disappear in the arse of bald face liars. I'm sure Bauer could use his imagination.
Bauer's Method of Torture
I always loved it when Bauer would ask a question to a terrorist and they of course refused him immediately. He then would un button his shirt sleeves and start rolling them up. That's when you know shit just got real. Other than bashing their toes with a hammer, electrocuting them with a lamp, injecting them with HIV Bauer always had good verbal threats. This guy would say things like hunting down your wife, children, family and they guy who owed you money to get you to talk. What a bad ass. He would take it to the next level of punishment by using the terrorists methods against him. After all, Jack operates under the assumed logic that the only thing a terrorist will understand is a gun on the mouth. He knows that sending a terrorist to court will not produce results and only encourage terrorist to blow up the ivy towers that their naive American supporters live in. Oh well...
Is Jack Bauer Human?
Probably not because he can cram 3 life times within a single episode of 24.I heard Jack once built an air craft carrier out of the ruins of the soviet Union and was home in time for corn flakes the same day. The truth is Jack is very much human. The reason he gets things done so fast is because he doesn't have to check with 15 minority groups in power whether or not his methods are offensive. Instead, Jack cuts through the red tape with his own bear hands and makes the bad guy die and saves all the worthless Americans who live off the state because they were born with entitlement syndrome.
Yes I Would Hit It
I think it would be worth certain death to bang Jack Bauer's daughter. However, it would only be a matter of time before Jack would catch up to you and make you bless the rains down in Africa. Most likely you would be woken up suddenly in the middle of the night to find that your hotel refrigerator power source was connected to your testicles. Jack would then torture you like they do to deserving swine at Club Gitmo. The only difference would be that Jack wouldn't be asking you any questions!
