New York City Resident Meets Holtzclaw

 First of all to understand this story and all its glory you must know a little about the man involved. My uncle Mike knows no consequence and breaks for no one. Having said that, he has stories about his adventures that could fill the void of a politician's campaign promise. My uncle Mike is much like a real time action hero. This doesn't mean he is a good guy just a guy causing havoc to unfortunate people who happen to be in his way. Picture the son in law from hell and then multiply that times 57 and you will have an idea of what family get togetherS are like. This particular story actually has evidence to vindicate its authenticity as referenced in the picture above. 

The story is about a man who foolishly tried to pass my uncle in a turning lane in New York city. My uncle and his friend (guy who took the picture) were driving his 18 wheeler in New York city minding his own business seeing the sights. He was at a stoplight and a red car pulled up next to him in the right turn lane. Mike noticed the guy was jockeying for position to pull out in front of him when the light turned green. Over Mikes dead body. This unfortunate soul was about to experience the worst reality check of traffic laws in the hands of someone who knows how to use them and what can't be used against him.

As the light turned green the red car thought he could pass an 18 wheeler with little to no effort. Sadly to his dismay, Mike floored it and turned into the turning lane causing the red car to turn into the lane much sooner than he anticipated. After both vehicles passed through the intersection all hell broke loose when the red car failed to get in front of Mike's truck. The red car then was pinned to the curb as they both passed into the right lane. Mikes friend then yelled, "he's pinned to the curb and your truck".

Mike getting ruthlessly excited added more displeasure to the poor man in his red car. Mike then turned the stirring wheel into the car and the curb as far as it would turn. If you have ever seen the front tires of an 18 wheeler you will notice the very large lug nuts holding the tire onto the rim. These rotating buzz saws bolts started to grind metal into the car causing huge swirls along the left side of the car. As you can see from the picture the entire left side front panel, both doors and back rear panel were destroyed and front left tire popped.

As the sound of crushing metal was screeching outside, laughter from the cab of Mike's truck could be heard throughout the five boroughs. It sounded like a masculine Wicked Witch off the West was getting his jollies off. After about 47 seconds of ramming speed, Mike stopped the truck. He then got out to inspect the damage that the red car had done to his truck. He looked at the man's car and asked him, "why the hell did you hit my truck, you're gonna pay for the damages". The man confused and obviously furious accused Mike of destroying his car and promptly called the police.

The police shortly arrived on the scene to inspect the traffic incident. The cop took one look at Mike's truck position in the right lane and looked back to discover the tire marks where the red car tried to shot across the intersection. The cop looked at the man in the red car and said, "sorry, he had the right of way and you tried to merge into his lane". The policeman issued the red car a traffic ticket and took his insurance information down to pay for the minor damages of Mike truck.

I heard this story in 2004 after my girlfriend broke up with me. I was feeling down and out and actually thinking there was something wrong with me. When Mike told me this story I laughed my ass off and realized that not only is he a thunder cloud of hilarity but that I was acting like that red car. There are many more stories of all the glory that is uncle Mike. For better or for worst its best to be related to Mike so that none of these stories will occur at your expense. Be safe and if you hear a cackling laugh that could only be that of a twisted man, just know you are seconds away from being in a Mike Holtzclaw story.